I haven't said much about Hot Cast lately. Painting the surface of this quilt has taken longer than I expected, and it's not really necessary to update you all with "Painted a bit more today!"
But I have been working steadily on this quilt for the last month and here's what she looks like right now:
Over the last week, I have managed to fix the green vines, painting them darker and shading the leaves better, but I've also managed to totally ruin the columns. A test I tried on the left column ended up too dark and when I tried to fix it, the fix just made things worse.
And yes, this is going to be one of my personal posts, so if your not really into my emotional rambling, click here to check out designs from the project.
To say that I'm miffed with this quilt is an understatement. She's pissing me off. When I look at her right now, all I see is that mistake.
Am I being childish? Maybe. Maybe not. I'm not judging my feelings, I'm just simply feeling them, and right now, I feel sad, tired, and angry.
This quilt is all about love. Finding self love. Finding acceptance, and right at this exact moment I feel like an utter and absolute failure at that goal. I feel like this beautiful goddess is mocking me, "You want to love yourself? Face your own inadequacy."
For so long, my self esteem has been entirely dependent upon what I can DO, what I can create, what I can FINISH.
And at the moment, nothing is finished. My patio project outside is lingering on like a bad dream, I have 5 quilts in the works, all nowhere near finished, the book is halfway done, the new DVD not really even started, and it's all weighing on my back like a load of crushing bricks.
I feel overwhelmed and when I get overwhelmed, I push myself harder and harder. Sympathy and compassion are two emotions I've only recently become acquainted with and for the last month at least, I've steamrolled over them in a pursuit of work, work, work.
Many people talk about seasonal affect disorder and how the winter months get them down. For me it's the other way around. Every May or June will find me like this, struggling.
I'm not sure if it's the heat or the feelings of instability as we move from a regular schedule to the less ordered summer months. I always feel stressed and crazy in May. At one time I could blame this on school exams, but no longer. I try to fight it, work harder, push with more force, and I always lose. I always end up the overwhelmed, deranged, pile of bones finally giving out under the weight I've piled on my own back.
I lose because I'm not superwoman, despite what this blog sometimes makes me seem. I'm very much a 27 year old mother and wife and for once instead of pushing, I just want to stop.
To stop trying so hard, pushing with such force. To simply accept what this time of the year brings and allow myself to flow with it, instead of fighting it.
So that's what I've decided to do. I'm going to take this weekend off for starters. Sorry, but I really, really need a break and Memorial Day weekend is the perfect time for it.
Next week when I get back to work, I'm setting myself a very simple goal: 8 hours. I have to set the limit of the normal workday of 8 hours per day. I've got to get out of the habit of working all day and well into the night. It just has to stop.
So maybe I am getting somewhere. Maybe Hot Cast has changed me more than I think.
A year ago, I would have kept on and might have lasted until July. A year ago, I would have ignored the signs from my body and family that I have a problem with too much work.
This year, I'm drawing the line in the sand right here. I need a break, I need to rest, and I need to change my work habits. What better sign of self love is there?
Let's go quilt, rest, relax, and be good to ourselves,