I intended to post this yesterday, but taxes, school, family, and the giant quilts on my table all kept it from happening. It's officially spring and busy as all get out. What is it about this time of year that just makes everything need to be done RIGHT NOW?!
I digress...yesterday I spent most of the day in the sewing room working on stitching out all of the designs we've learned since the magical day 365 into 4 inch squares. There's something about this size and shape that just makes my organization-needing brain happy. It's easy to photograph, it's easy to organize. It's easy to stitch!
I still need to edit the photographs, but it already feels good to have "official" shots of each design. I also worked a lot on Duchess Reigns, though you wouldn't know it to look at her. It seems I can dump 4 hours of work into that quilt and empty 3 bobbins and she just laughs manically and declares, "I will NEVER be finished! Muwahahahaha!"
my door has a very specific sign on the front. No one was dying, so I wasn't interrupted, but I still felt guilty for quilting most of the day.
But here's the thing about guilt - it doesn't always read as guilt. It's kind of a tricky emotion to get your fingers around, and certainly to identify without a microscope.
Previously, pretty much for the last 29 years of my life when I felt this way, I always misread it as being in a "bad mood." Yet I wasn't in a bad mood! I'd just stitched out a ton of stuff that had been weighing on my mind. I was HAPPY!
But I was guilty. And my guilt began to come out in temper and snappishness. James had torn yet another Lego figure into a massacre of legs, hands, head, and torso, which just weirds me out in general, and I didn't yell, but I did make James cry by threatening to throw the pieces into the trash. Monster mommy had come to play!
My goal this year was to try to figure this out. Why DO I do this?! Why do I act like this? This isn't ME! I don't WANT to act like this!
Figuring out that this particular emotional roller coaster stemmed from guilt was SO helpful. I'm not sure what tipped me off exactly, other than just knowing that I SHOULD feel very happy with all I'd accomplished, but only feeling terrible for being unavailable all day.
The funny thing about this is Josh never minded one bit. He really couldn't understand why I was feeling guilty as he certainly didn't need me around to have a good day. We always have a big Sunday breakfast and I had made eggs and french toast before heading down to quilt so James was fed and happy too. Mom was not needed. A guilty mom was absolutely unwanted!
So this guilt was totally useless. I didn't hurt anyone or do anything wrong by stitching all day on a Sunday afternoon, but this empty feeling of guilt was definitely turning me into a monster the second my quilting session ended.
Rather than let it ruin the whole day, I stopped everything. Literally I sat down and stared at a wall and asked myself "Can you chill? Can you just drop this?" At first, I couldn't let go of the bad feelings, but very soon I could see how pointless it was. I reminded myself again and again that no one had missed me, I hadn't flaked out on anything, and I just needed to let myself feel good.
Have you ever done this? Reading guilt as guilt was certainly a breakthrough for me! I'm just wondering if anyone else has experienced this kind of thing before...
Let's go quilt (without the guilt!),